Some thoughts

It's a world of difference here being with my friends for the weekend as opposed to being in Deerfield for the summer. Of course it's the cliched "I feel like my real self" when I'm with my old friends, but maybe there's something to that. Why is it that I have such a hard time adjusting to new places and people? I have been with the fellows program for 3 weeks now and am pretty comfortable with all the other people. I think it's different that a matter of "comfort." I think, unfortunately, it has to do with my unavoidable sense of superiority. I don't know where it comes from, honestly. But I'm constantly judging others and holding superficial things against them. Like how they look in those pants. Or how they talk. When I think about it, it may come from my own overwhelming sense of insecurity.

It's something I've been battling for a very long time. To some, and possibly to the majority of people I meet, I come off as a rather strong individual. But really, I'm so occupied with how others perceive me. The great sense of insecurity is really affecting how I interact with others and how I view myself. I judge others so critically because I judge myself so harshly. Or maybe not harshly enough.

I don't know. I'm not a shrink, nor do I want to be. I don't want to diagnose myself, just try to understand myself completely, like so many of us are.

***

On a complete sidebar, I just had a thought: what if one of the TF is pregnant? We just finished college, none of us are secure enough in our lives to be having a child. However, it's very doubtful she would keep it. More likely, an abortion would be done. Then I'm plagued with the thoughts of abortion and the resentment I feel towards those who get themselves in a situation where an abortion has to be done. Like last spring when I completely had no sympothy when one of my suitemates had an abortion after a fling with a boy. They had been "caught in the moment" and just didn't take the time to put on a condom. Sheer dumbness like that is what drives me nuts. However, I know my friend would not be stupid enough to do something as careless as that. However, (if she is actually pregnant, and remember, this is complete conjecture) how do I justify my own objection to abortions when I know it's probably the best choice for her? How do I justify the disregard of the unborn baby's life? It's a tough issue.

***

Well, since I seem to be covering all the bases anyways, I'll tackle living situations next.
So I've been casually looking for a place to live this fall for a couple of months now, ever since I was offered a job. However as my mid-August ideal move-in date approaches ever so nearer, I'm starting to have bouts of panic and hysteria that I won't find a place. I have an image of what my ideal living situation should be like that I feel that I can't settle for anything less. Yet, with what I can afford, it seems like I'll have to. And then there are the conditions and sacrifices I have to think consider when looking for a place to live. Do I want to be closer to my friends or closer to work? How far is too far from work? How many roommates are ideal? Can I live with guys? It's tough, I tell ya. I'm trying my darnest to find a place whenever I have a chance, but I'm not getting the endless offers as I had imagined. I think I should get used to the idea that I'll have to go through a broker.
Also, I don't know if I want to live with one of TF. It was offered as a suggestion that we share an apartment, but now that I think about it, I don't know if that would be the best option. It'd be nice to live with someone whom I'm already familiar with, but I don't know if she's the best person to live with. I already agreed to look for apartments together with her, but I'm still hoping that I get a place on my own.

Back to basics:

Currently listening to: the sound of the obnoxiously loud A/C unit across the yard.

Currently procrastinating from: getting ready for bed.